Who Knew?

So he’s gone and the world is suddenly standing still
The day seems so unending, his empty chair like a paper cut
Small and inconsequential compared to the pain generated
How has it come to this? That life seems to lose its will
When I look back and count the cost, who knew?

And though he’s not unreachable– just a different country
A hemisphere and seasons away – I stare at his photograph
When he took the picture he said we had crying eyes
And through the smiles I can see the camera never lies.

The first day of his journey and he’s out of reach
Walking around a distant airport; I can feel his isolation
No way of telling him we care and to have courage
Soon he will be in his homeland and the frenetic capital
He is still a country boy unversed in Delhi’s ways
Its 3 pm still more than twelve hours till he lands
But here across the world there is nothing I can do
His fate and journey are now out of my hands
But the sense of emptiness and loss – who knew?

I’ll go to bed tonight and try and sleep time away
At 3.30 in the morning, I’ll awake, have some milk
It is 7 am in Delhi and he is landing at the start of day
How kind my friends and colleagues have been
Everyone has reached out and said they care
The end of the first day has just an hour to go
Its grey and overcast, it feels like rain, it feels like snow
The day is losing to the crying eyes and voice
Awash with sadness the rain drives splinters in my heart

Let’s wait another day, I’ll try and see it through
How difficult this was going to be – who knew?
At home the two of us walk around trying not to see
The empty room, the padlocked door, birds unfed
The whole house waits to hear him walk through the door
The dogs run at each sound and then lower their heads
“He's not coming, girls, quieten down,” go back to bed
Try again to sleep, the cold wet winter morning creeps
Slowly nearer, the clock counts the heartbeats till dawn.

The phone rings with Rinpoche's laugh – welcome sound
I rush to get it, still clumsy with sudden sleep
I've missed the call, a lifetime away he stands alone
Five a.m. and I wait for the message to come through
How sad and bereft of company – who knew?
His voice is clear – that treasured fast and worried tone
Always the anxiety – are we OK? How is the day?
Then lunchtime a further call my voice echoing 4,600 miles
But in spite of the distance, we both have tenuous smiles

He has three more days of journey before he sees
The family of his blood and witnesses their delight
Out of reach of the telephone we must spend the night
How hard it would be to let go and open my hand
Let him go, so suddenly returned to his own land
How difficult to stand back, let Karma play its part,
Feet in the present, I must open my heart
Send love and blessings to those who will soon rejoice
Who knew I'd be standing here and have to make this choice?